ENTRY 11:

Someone's go and someone's come.






You might fall in and eventually fall out.





In this life, nothing is certain. Its true.






Memories and feelings are meant to fade. 










Before... Makita ko lang ang name nya sa notification ko halos magkarerahan na ang puso kong lumabas ng katawan ko. I-meesage or i-chat nya lang ako halos mamatay na ako sa kaba at sobrang saya.







Ngayon? Wala ng nagkakarerahan at kumakabog sa dibdib ko pag nakikita kita sa notification ko. Pag sa message or chat wala ng kaba at excitement tulad ng dati. Pero inaamin ko na masaya ako. I can't say that the feelings was totally gone but it was fading. Its not the same as before.








Does it mean I'm slowly moving on?








Marami na nga atang nagbago at magbabago. Hindi na ako tumatambay ng profile nya para tignan isa-isa ang recent activity nya. Na-realized ko na lang na, nakakapagod rin pala? One of my friend was right, darating rin talaga yung tme na mapapagod ako.







May be I was wrong in a thought that he still had the same impact to me. Or may he really does? I am not yet sure. Hindi ko masasabi unless makita ko ulit sya ng harapan.





Sabi nga nila wala daw permanente sa mundo. Lahat nagbabago. Hindi ko alam kung kelan nagsimula maging ganito, basta I just realized na parang hindi na tulad ng dati ang feelings ko for him.... for my blue.






But then again. Let me clarify that it was not TOTALLY gone. Its just that I can feel that it SLOWLY FADING AWAY.








Yes. There were times that I am still thinking of him.
Yes. There were times I feel nothing but missing him.
Yes. He still dropping by in my dreams.
Yes. He can still make me smile.








BUT the abnormal and crazy heart beat was not there.












Talagang lilipas at lilipas rin ang mga bagay, lalo na't hinid ito napagtutuunan ng pansin.



Everything has its own time.


I know, the right time for me to move on from this guy will come... eventually.


I must and I need to look forward for me to find the right one.







Sabi nga nila:



"Sometimes, all you need is a broken heart to realize that something even better is in front of our eyes, just waiting to be found."












I am just afraid na baka kung kelan ako nag-let go, doon naman nya ma-realize ang bagay na matagal ko ng na-realize. Assuming na kung assuming, I am just stating the possibility.




Sana hanggang maaga, hanggang hindi pa ako tuluyang bumibitaw sa feelings ko para sa kanya, ma-realize na nya ang bagay na 'yon.










I know that I may sound hoping.




Well yes. I guess you're right.




I still have this little hope in me.




Hope that he realize this things soon.

ENTRY 10:

HEY! You know what, nagparamdam na sya ulit... through facebook nga lang, not bad di ba?


He commented on my friend's status update wherein I was tagged in.










/quote


He: ....


My friend: *his name was tagged in* ?


He: *I was tagged in* Musta ang review?


//quote










Yiiiiieeee! It made my night so good. I was actually tired and a little bit stressed because of our upcoming pre board but because of that... everything became good! With just one snapped my stress had gone.




I didn't expect that I will still be happy because of him... that he still have the same impact to me.  :)






This coming Tuesday, my best friend and I will be visiting our alma mater. I don't know if I am going to be excited or what but one thing is for sure I am a nervous! *O*

ENTRY 9: MISSING HIM? O.o

I hate times like this...




Times that I am missing him...






Ayoko ng pakiramdam na nami-miss ko sya, it bring me sadness and the pain also goes back. Pag sya ang nagiging topic or anything na related sa kanya dun ako nakakaramdam ng pagka-miss, at kasabay ng pagre-reminisce ay ang pagbalik ng heartache(s).






Lalo na ngayon at rainy season na, mas nakakadagdag ng pagiging emotional ang buhos ng ulan.






I know I shouldn't miss him cause I know he don't. Pero anung magagawa ko?






Ilang months pa lang since the last time I saw him, but I already missed him badly. How much more if it takes years? Sana naman magsawa ang puso ko pati na rin isip ko sa kakaisip sa kanya. :'(










How I wish I can get him off of my mind....














and my heart....

ENTRY 8: Tssss

I just noticed ha... every time na online ako sa facebook sya naman ang biglang mag-ooffline. Wala pang one minute makikita ko biglang wala na sya sa online friends ko. Tsss. Don't tell me ngayon namin tinutuloy ang 'Hide and Seek' na sinabi nya dati?










Before kasi sabi nya tinataguan ko sya. Pag online sya ako naman daw ang biglang offline but the fact is mobile lang ang gamit ko nun. He even post in JPIA group na tinataguan ko sya >////////////< I admit kinilig ako dun. Hahaha!








Anyway, back to the topic na. Tingin ko he's avoiding me na talaga but WHY? Hindi na nga kami nag-kita bago ako grumaduate tapos hindi man lang ako magawang kamustahin kahit sa chat lang? O baka naman ako ang hinihintay nyang mag-chat sa kanya? Pero duh! Ako ang babae ang panget naman pag ako ang na una di ba? Psh. Kainis. Kahit simpleng 'Hello' wala. Liar talaga sya. Sabi nya dati baka hindi ko na sya pansinin pero sino kaya sa tingin nya ang hindi man lang magparamdam. -_________-










HEP! I sounds like disappointed right? Well, I am. :'(

ENTRY 7: Someone I called BLUE...

Hey! You know what? I have someone I really like. I secretly in-like with him for more than one year, its funny each time I remember how much effort I put to keep this feelings as a secret. Even though he's opposite to my ideal guy, even though he hurts me several times already, give me a hard time and cause me too much confusion, I still like him and it seems like I cannot stop myself from liking him... may be only time and distance can help me to forget and move on.








Wanna know who's this someone special to me?










Well, lemme describe him...






He's tall -- 5'9 ang height nya if I'm not mistaken...




He's not that so gwapo but malakas talaga ang dating nya...




He's sporty and a good dancer too. 




He's taking up the same course as mine but unfortunately lower year sya (watdaaa! anung unfortunately? Lol). Obviously he's younger than me.




Actually he's a transferee...




He's mischievous and talkative but I can say na may sense of humor sya...




He's friendly, especially to girls...




He's a joker...




He's a flirt... (no offences, I just stating a fact)




and




He's sweet in his own way...
















Lagi nya akong binabati ng "Hi!" or "Hello!" pag nakikita nya ako, minsan bigla na lang nya ako tatawagin. 


Lagi nya akong pinapansin, kinakausap at kinukulit kahit na dinededma at sinusungitan ko sya and by that, I can say na mahaba ang pasensya nya and matyaga sya, dalawang school year kasi syang ganun sa'kin, by the way! he's not courting me or anything huh?


He's sweet at some point.
He used to show me sweet gestures and tell me sweet things.
One time he shows me that he care for me, yun yung time na may sakit ako.
One time he kneel down in front of me but I'm not sure if he also used to that in other girls.
Lagi rin syang nagbibigay ng compliment at nagsasabi ng good things about me, lagi syang bumabanat at nagjo-joke, tsaka lagi rin syang nangti-trip... kaya most of the times hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang sinasabi at pinapakita nya. Seriously, halos lahat ng sinabi at pinakita nya? Tanda ko pa, even though one and half years na ang lumipas I still clearly remember most of those.












This someone special made me happy... really really happy!  (but he's not aware of that, he thought that I don't like him..)




This someone special makes me experience my first heartache then suddenly leads to my first heartbreak...












This someone special made me fall in love with him but unfortunately he didn't catch me... funny right? :( 






Anyway, I don't feel any regrets liking him... or should I say loving him? He will always have a place in my heart.












By the way, I called this someone special to me as....  "BLUE."

ENTRY 6: I dunno...

Sometimes, I wonder what love really is. (not the love to your family and friends but love to your opposite sex, or should I say to someone special)








Kung anu ba talaga ang pakiramdam pag in-love ka na sa isang tao.








Kasi ako? hindi ko pa rin talaga alam. Until now, hindi ko pa rin ma-distinguished kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Yaaah. I liked him for more than a year already, kung tutuusin ilang months na lang two years na. But still, I don't know kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.








I don't know if its still infatuation or love already... pero teka, anu nga ba ang pinagka-iba ng dalawa? I really dunno :(








Maraming explanation ang love...




Sabi nila masarap daw ma-in love. They said that it gives you so much happiness and can cause you too much heartbreaks.




Love is sacrifice...




and may nagsabi rin ng




Love waits...






It seems simple to understand pero parang lang its really complicated, isn't it?







Sabi ng mga friends ko, bata pa kasi ako... I mean, hindi sa edad, bata ako mag-isip at wala pang masyadong experience pagdating sa ganitong bagay. Well, aminado naman talaga ako, I'm immature and sort of childish and talagang wala akong alam sa ganitong bagay kaya ng dumating sya sa buhay ko nabulabog ang lahat.












He makes me happy na umabot sa point na hanggang panaginip ko andun sya, napapasaya nya ko na nagmimistulan na akong baliw at some point kasi tumatawa akong mag-isa and its because of him. He makes my heart beat faster... he makes it jump! He cause me sleepless night kasi hindi makatulog kakaisip sa kanya.












But also.... he cause me too much heartbreaks. He became a source of my depression and destruction too. Its not his fault anyway, kasi hindi naman sya aware sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kaya wala syang kamalay-malay na may nasasaktan na sya. I cried because of him not just once... not just twice.... not just thrice... but it was four times! For Peter's sake, its my first time to cry because of a guy.








If I experienced happiness at the same time heartbreaks because of him... is it already love? What do you think?








If that so...








then his my first love?








Still... I'm not sure of it. I will, figure it out.... soon!

ENTRY 5: O.o?

Ang ideal type ko sa isang guy dati ay:


- gwapo
- chinito
- matangos ilong
- matangkad
- maputi
- mabait
- loyal
- responsable
- understanding
- serious type
- suplado/masungit pero sweet.




Malakas naman maka-attract sa'kin ang nagsusuot ng salamin.




napaka-choosy ko nung high school ako actually hanggang mag-college, kaya wala pa kong naging boyfriend kasi ganun kataas ang standards ko.






Until I met him...




Third year college ako that time...






Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung paano at bakit ko sya nagustuhan, he's totally opposite of my ideal guy. =______=




He talks a lot, mas madaldal pa sya sa'kin, but I admit my sense of humor sya. Makulit sya. He's a joker! I don't know kung kelan sya seryoso kasi parang lahat dinadaan sa biro, He's some kinda flirt? I know its bad but its true. He's immature and afraid of rejection.


But in fairness, matangkad sya and may itsura rin naman. Malakas ang karisma nya, I think? A lot of girls used to like him. He's also sporty and a good dancer. And one more thing, he is sweet in his own way.








I used to like him despite of the fact na kabaligtaran nya ang hinahanap ko sa isang lalaki...


I used to like him even though he's younger than me...


I used to like him kahit na flirt sya at mahilig mag-joke...


I used to like him kahit puro confusion lang ang binibigay nya sa'kin...




Siguro totoo nga ang sinasabi nila, pag nag-beat daw ang heart mo sa isang tao wala ka ng magagawa kahit na hindi sya ang dream guy mo. Wala talagang pinipili ang puso.




Since I met him nagbago na ang standard ko, madami ng nabawas. When he asked me kung anu daw ba ang gusto ko sa guy? My answers are: understanding, sincere, mahaba ang pasensya and height matters for me. Dagdag points na lang ang chinito sa'kin but its not a big factor anymore unlike before.






Gusto ko kasi maramdaman na sincere ang isang tao, lalo na sya, sa lahat ng pinapakita at sinasabi nya sa'kin sa case kasi nya hindi ko maramdaman, kahit sinabi nyang gusto nya ko hindi pa rin ako kuntento kaya siguro nadagdag ang sincerity sa qualifications ko ngayon. Wala kasi akong maramdaman na sincerity sa kanya.




Minsan iniisip ko mabuti na rin at nakilala ko sya, mabuti na ring nagustuhan ko sya... kasi kung hindi? malamang ganun pa rin kataas ng standard ko sa lalaki, because of him nagbago lahat.




** Pero syempre, malakas pa rin talaga ang epekto sa'kin pag suplado/masungit ang dating nung guy. Madalas pa rin talaga akong ma-attract sa may salamin and mahilig ako sa long legged! (o^^o)






Sya na talaga ang nagpabago ng qualifications ko sa isang lalaki.




Somehow, thankful ako sa kanya for that. :)

ENTRY 4: MY SORRY

Sorry...

Yan ang gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. For almost two years, should I say one and half year to be exact, na magkakilala tayo I'd never been that nice to you.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang batiin ka ng "Hi" or "Hello" pag nagkakasalubong tayo or kapag ikaw ang bumabati hindi ko man lang nagawang tugunin ang bati mo.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang kausapin ka ng matino sa tuwing kinakausap mo ko, madalas tinatawanan lang kita. Kaya ang dating tuloy dinededma kita.

 

Hindi ko man lang nagawang tawagin ka sa pangalan mo habang ikaw paulit-ulit at walang sawang tinatawag ang pangalan ko.

Pasensya na, alam kong pakiramadam mo ayoko sa'yo... na hindi kita gusto. Pero sa totoo lang, gusto talaga kita hindi lang halata. Yun ang reason kung bakit hindi kita nasasagot pag kinakausap mo ako, nahihiya talaga ako sa'yo. 

Kahit gustong-gusto kong kausapin ka hindi ko magawa, makita pa lang kita umuurong na dila ko paano pa kaya ako makakapagsalita pag nasa harapan na kita?

Kahit hindi ko sinadya, still, it turns out na sinusupladahan at ini-snob kita. Alam kong naiintimidate ka sa'kin at naiinis minsan dahil sa way ng pagtrato ko sa'yo. I treated you in a cold way. So, sorry.

I understand if you don't get the reasons why am I being like that to you. I've been a coward for not telling you how I feel. I am just afraid in rejection (just like you), may be if I spill it from the very start, it will never be difficult for both us, may be we're at least good friends, right?

I admit dumating yung time na, I intentionally avoided you cause I think... and I can feel that I am falling for you and I was scared that time, afraid that the feelings are not mutual that it would be one-sided love. I may be wrong for what I've done but I think its the best way, its better kung hindi mo na nalaman ang lahat.

You never know how hard it was for me but I endure it, the pain, because thats the consequence of my actions. I acted like I don't care though I am, that I am okay though I'm not.

Every time na sinasabi mong I don't like you? It hurts me a lot! It feels like that my heart was stabbed a million times. Every time I see you with other girls, especially her? it may not be obvious but deep inside I was dying.

But, just what I've said as the consequence of the decision I choose... no matter how painful it is I endure, though it hurts me I still managed to smile and act like it was nothing.

I really wanted to say SORRY but  I don't have the chance or should I rather say I missed out another chance?

May be, with the help of this, masasabi ko sa'yo how sorry I am.

Sorry.... my blue.

ENTRY 3: Happy for him?

Yesterday, nakita ko na naman sila actually nakasabay ko pa nga sa pagbaba ng hagdan. Hindi na ko na-shocked kasi I was expecting to see them.




One of my classmates, na kasabay din namin sa pagbaba, called me and said "Hey si anu oh" I am not irritated on what I saw... dun sa classmate ko ako nainis ng konti kasi bakit kailangan pang sabihin yun samantalang nakikita naman nyang he's with his girl, right? Its awkward.




I know may purpose kung bakit nangyayari 'to... kung bakit lagi ko silang nakikita... bakit sa dinami-dami ng makakasabay sa hagdan bakit sila pa. Its God's will.




Actually, wala na akong nararamdaman na bitterness or kahit anung sadness pag nakikita ko sila na magkasama unlike before na sumasakit talaga ang puso ko, yung parang my heart was tearing apart. Now, I am not hurt... there is no pain, I guess? Is that mean that I am slowly moving on? If that so, I am thankful cause I've been waiting for this to happen.




In fact, masaya ako para sa kanya... sa kanila. I am happy not because its the only choice that I have but because its the best thing that I can do.




Alam kong mahirap paniwalaan pero masaya na talaga ako para sa sarili ko at para sa kanila.




I want him to be happy, and I know he will... with her. :)

ENTRY 2: What should I do?

Ottoke? Ottoke? Ottoke?




I really don't know what to do now. My mind is not functioning well... now when I needed it the most.




I was a little bit shocked on what I saw this afternoon. I saw them together... the guy that I liked with that girl.




Mukhang nagkabalikan na ulit sila.




Well yeah! I am expecting that one of this day they will be together again, that they will make up for their broken relationship. Beside its not him who wants the break up, its her. But I never thought that it will happen right away.




Anyway, its not the matter for me, I don't care if they end up being girlfriends and boyfriends again. I am not that affected anymore, I don't know but there is no any hard feelings or bitterness in me when I saw them walking down the stair.




What's matter to me is how can I give the notebook? Can I still give it to him? or Should I say, is it still okay if I give it to him?




I don't want him to suffer from confusion just because of that journal. I don't want to bother him, especially now that he's starting over again with his girl. Do I still have a choice?




I want to hand it to him but at the same time I don't. What should I do?




Should I remain silent about my feelings?




Is my feelings for him are really meant to be a secret?




First, because of my carelessness my mom found out about my confession notebook and she warned me that I shouldn't be the one who's giving this kind of stuff to a guy.
Next, its because of what I've seen  this afternoon. Who knows what will happen next?




Come to think of this, I can say that its already fate that telling me not to spell out the feelings I have for that guy.






I only have few days left to decide, I hope I can choose the right one.






"its now or never..."












--end--

ENTRY 1: Last Thing

I only have one week left. Yeah! One week to say what I need to say, to do what I need to do and to give what I need to give.


Ang bilis ng oras...


Parang kahapon lang, third year college pa lang ako and there I meet him...


Ngayon, ga-graduate na ko. Few weeks from now I am going to stand and walk up on stage again and will receive my diploma, by that time I really need to say goodbye to that guy...


There's a bit of excitement in me but at the same time I feel so sad hindi dahil hindi ko na makikita ang mga classmates and professors ko, yes I am a bit sad kasi we will parted our ways, but the main reason... is him... the guy that I liked for almost two years.




I feel so lost and lonely tuwing naaalala kong, I only had few days left to see his eyes, his messy hair, his fair complexion, and his smile.


It hurts me and it makes me wanna cry every time na naiisip kong I cannot hear him calling my name saying "HI!", telling good things about me, giving me those picked-up lines and showing me his mischievousness at the same time his sweetness.


And now, my tears was starting to flow because of the fact na I may not be able to see him again and hindi ko na mafe-feel ang presence nya... I will definitely miss him, everything about him... Its funny because before, I won't let the day passed by without seeing that guy, even if its only just a glimpsed as long as my eyes lay down on him my day was totally complete! but if I wasn't able to see him even just his shadow or his back I felt so sad and it makes me miss him. I don't like vacations, sem-break and Christmas break because it only makes me to miss him over and over again. How much more now? that I already finish my study... that I am graduating.


You might wonder about him? Actually he is in a lower year, incoming third year same course as mine. Yeah. His younger than me, but I don't care cause he doesn't treat me as I am older than him.




We are not lovers neither in any romantic relationship, we're just friends... i think?




I know how stupid I was, wasting the opportunity and time to be with him. I treat him coldly, I became a snob when it comes to him... well I didn't intend that its just it always end up in that way, I was just afraid of falling too much for him that's why I tried to ignore everything. Beside, no matter how I try I can't really speak up whenever his in front of me. And now... I regret it.




He's not aware about my feelings for him because I don't have the courage to spill it... but is he stupid for not noticing it?

For the remaining days, I want to encourage myself to give the journal I made especially for him. In that journal... I confess my feelings... Everything that I wanted to say to that guy was written there.




I don't know if its much better to make a confession in a form of letter rather than confessing it personally, especially that I am a girl I shouldn't be the one who should make the first move, but I think its the best way since I can't open my mouth each time he's talking to me and I don't care anymore if I am the first one who made the confession. I don't wanna leave him clueless why I treat him that way, why am I avoiding him. I want him to know the reason why, I don't wanna feel any regrets this time... regrets of not telling him what I feel. I don't want to be haunted by "what ifs?"






Hopefully on Friday, mabigay ko na sa kanya yun. I will try my best to hold back and not to drop even a little of tears in front of him. I want to be the normal me while giving him that notebook. I want to show him how happy I was.

I always wanted to hug him or hold his hand even before but I end up declining that thought even though he was the first one who asked me -- like a simple shake hands, kahit sya na mismo ang nag-offer ng shake hands at kahit gusto ko ng hawakan ang kamay nya hindi ko pa rin magawa, why? I don't know... may be I'm swallowing by my pride. *wtf*








I am not expecting anything after giving that notebook... I just want everything to be clear...
So I can finally put my mind at ease cause its tiring to like or let's say love someone secretly...








Wish me luck? Hehe


















--end--