ENTRY 4: MY SORRY

Sorry...

Yan ang gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. For almost two years, should I say one and half year to be exact, na magkakilala tayo I'd never been that nice to you.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang batiin ka ng "Hi" or "Hello" pag nagkakasalubong tayo or kapag ikaw ang bumabati hindi ko man lang nagawang tugunin ang bati mo.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang kausapin ka ng matino sa tuwing kinakausap mo ko, madalas tinatawanan lang kita. Kaya ang dating tuloy dinededma kita.

 

Hindi ko man lang nagawang tawagin ka sa pangalan mo habang ikaw paulit-ulit at walang sawang tinatawag ang pangalan ko.

Pasensya na, alam kong pakiramadam mo ayoko sa'yo... na hindi kita gusto. Pero sa totoo lang, gusto talaga kita hindi lang halata. Yun ang reason kung bakit hindi kita nasasagot pag kinakausap mo ako, nahihiya talaga ako sa'yo. 

Kahit gustong-gusto kong kausapin ka hindi ko magawa, makita pa lang kita umuurong na dila ko paano pa kaya ako makakapagsalita pag nasa harapan na kita?

Kahit hindi ko sinadya, still, it turns out na sinusupladahan at ini-snob kita. Alam kong naiintimidate ka sa'kin at naiinis minsan dahil sa way ng pagtrato ko sa'yo. I treated you in a cold way. So, sorry.

I understand if you don't get the reasons why am I being like that to you. I've been a coward for not telling you how I feel. I am just afraid in rejection (just like you), may be if I spill it from the very start, it will never be difficult for both us, may be we're at least good friends, right?

I admit dumating yung time na, I intentionally avoided you cause I think... and I can feel that I am falling for you and I was scared that time, afraid that the feelings are not mutual that it would be one-sided love. I may be wrong for what I've done but I think its the best way, its better kung hindi mo na nalaman ang lahat.

You never know how hard it was for me but I endure it, the pain, because thats the consequence of my actions. I acted like I don't care though I am, that I am okay though I'm not.

Every time na sinasabi mong I don't like you? It hurts me a lot! It feels like that my heart was stabbed a million times. Every time I see you with other girls, especially her? it may not be obvious but deep inside I was dying.

But, just what I've said as the consequence of the decision I choose... no matter how painful it is I endure, though it hurts me I still managed to smile and act like it was nothing.

I really wanted to say SORRY but  I don't have the chance or should I rather say I missed out another chance?

May be, with the help of this, masasabi ko sa'yo how sorry I am.

Sorry.... my blue.