ENTRY 7: Someone I called BLUE...

Hey! You know what? I have someone I really like. I secretly in-like with him for more than one year, its funny each time I remember how much effort I put to keep this feelings as a secret. Even though he's opposite to my ideal guy, even though he hurts me several times already, give me a hard time and cause me too much confusion, I still like him and it seems like I cannot stop myself from liking him... may be only time and distance can help me to forget and move on.








Wanna know who's this someone special to me?










Well, lemme describe him...






He's tall -- 5'9 ang height nya if I'm not mistaken...




He's not that so gwapo but malakas talaga ang dating nya...




He's sporty and a good dancer too. 




He's taking up the same course as mine but unfortunately lower year sya (watdaaa! anung unfortunately? Lol). Obviously he's younger than me.




Actually he's a transferee...




He's mischievous and talkative but I can say na may sense of humor sya...




He's friendly, especially to girls...




He's a joker...




He's a flirt... (no offences, I just stating a fact)




and




He's sweet in his own way...
















Lagi nya akong binabati ng "Hi!" or "Hello!" pag nakikita nya ako, minsan bigla na lang nya ako tatawagin. 


Lagi nya akong pinapansin, kinakausap at kinukulit kahit na dinededma at sinusungitan ko sya and by that, I can say na mahaba ang pasensya nya and matyaga sya, dalawang school year kasi syang ganun sa'kin, by the way! he's not courting me or anything huh?


He's sweet at some point.
He used to show me sweet gestures and tell me sweet things.
One time he shows me that he care for me, yun yung time na may sakit ako.
One time he kneel down in front of me but I'm not sure if he also used to that in other girls.
Lagi rin syang nagbibigay ng compliment at nagsasabi ng good things about me, lagi syang bumabanat at nagjo-joke, tsaka lagi rin syang nangti-trip... kaya most of the times hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang sinasabi at pinapakita nya. Seriously, halos lahat ng sinabi at pinakita nya? Tanda ko pa, even though one and half years na ang lumipas I still clearly remember most of those.












This someone special made me happy... really really happy!  (but he's not aware of that, he thought that I don't like him..)




This someone special makes me experience my first heartache then suddenly leads to my first heartbreak...












This someone special made me fall in love with him but unfortunately he didn't catch me... funny right? :( 






Anyway, I don't feel any regrets liking him... or should I say loving him? He will always have a place in my heart.












By the way, I called this someone special to me as....  "BLUE."

ENTRY 6: I dunno...

Sometimes, I wonder what love really is. (not the love to your family and friends but love to your opposite sex, or should I say to someone special)








Kung anu ba talaga ang pakiramdam pag in-love ka na sa isang tao.








Kasi ako? hindi ko pa rin talaga alam. Until now, hindi ko pa rin ma-distinguished kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya. Yaaah. I liked him for more than a year already, kung tutuusin ilang months na lang two years na. But still, I don't know kung ano talaga ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.








I don't know if its still infatuation or love already... pero teka, anu nga ba ang pinagka-iba ng dalawa? I really dunno :(








Maraming explanation ang love...




Sabi nila masarap daw ma-in love. They said that it gives you so much happiness and can cause you too much heartbreaks.




Love is sacrifice...




and may nagsabi rin ng




Love waits...






It seems simple to understand pero parang lang its really complicated, isn't it?







Sabi ng mga friends ko, bata pa kasi ako... I mean, hindi sa edad, bata ako mag-isip at wala pang masyadong experience pagdating sa ganitong bagay. Well, aminado naman talaga ako, I'm immature and sort of childish and talagang wala akong alam sa ganitong bagay kaya ng dumating sya sa buhay ko nabulabog ang lahat.












He makes me happy na umabot sa point na hanggang panaginip ko andun sya, napapasaya nya ko na nagmimistulan na akong baliw at some point kasi tumatawa akong mag-isa and its because of him. He makes my heart beat faster... he makes it jump! He cause me sleepless night kasi hindi makatulog kakaisip sa kanya.












But also.... he cause me too much heartbreaks. He became a source of my depression and destruction too. Its not his fault anyway, kasi hindi naman sya aware sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya kaya wala syang kamalay-malay na may nasasaktan na sya. I cried because of him not just once... not just twice.... not just thrice... but it was four times! For Peter's sake, its my first time to cry because of a guy.








If I experienced happiness at the same time heartbreaks because of him... is it already love? What do you think?








If that so...








then his my first love?








Still... I'm not sure of it. I will, figure it out.... soon!

ENTRY 5: O.o?

Ang ideal type ko sa isang guy dati ay:


- gwapo
- chinito
- matangos ilong
- matangkad
- maputi
- mabait
- loyal
- responsable
- understanding
- serious type
- suplado/masungit pero sweet.




Malakas naman maka-attract sa'kin ang nagsusuot ng salamin.




napaka-choosy ko nung high school ako actually hanggang mag-college, kaya wala pa kong naging boyfriend kasi ganun kataas ang standards ko.






Until I met him...




Third year college ako that time...






Hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung paano at bakit ko sya nagustuhan, he's totally opposite of my ideal guy. =______=




He talks a lot, mas madaldal pa sya sa'kin, but I admit my sense of humor sya. Makulit sya. He's a joker! I don't know kung kelan sya seryoso kasi parang lahat dinadaan sa biro, He's some kinda flirt? I know its bad but its true. He's immature and afraid of rejection.


But in fairness, matangkad sya and may itsura rin naman. Malakas ang karisma nya, I think? A lot of girls used to like him. He's also sporty and a good dancer. And one more thing, he is sweet in his own way.








I used to like him despite of the fact na kabaligtaran nya ang hinahanap ko sa isang lalaki...


I used to like him even though he's younger than me...


I used to like him kahit na flirt sya at mahilig mag-joke...


I used to like him kahit puro confusion lang ang binibigay nya sa'kin...




Siguro totoo nga ang sinasabi nila, pag nag-beat daw ang heart mo sa isang tao wala ka ng magagawa kahit na hindi sya ang dream guy mo. Wala talagang pinipili ang puso.




Since I met him nagbago na ang standard ko, madami ng nabawas. When he asked me kung anu daw ba ang gusto ko sa guy? My answers are: understanding, sincere, mahaba ang pasensya and height matters for me. Dagdag points na lang ang chinito sa'kin but its not a big factor anymore unlike before.






Gusto ko kasi maramdaman na sincere ang isang tao, lalo na sya, sa lahat ng pinapakita at sinasabi nya sa'kin sa case kasi nya hindi ko maramdaman, kahit sinabi nyang gusto nya ko hindi pa rin ako kuntento kaya siguro nadagdag ang sincerity sa qualifications ko ngayon. Wala kasi akong maramdaman na sincerity sa kanya.




Minsan iniisip ko mabuti na rin at nakilala ko sya, mabuti na ring nagustuhan ko sya... kasi kung hindi? malamang ganun pa rin kataas ng standard ko sa lalaki, because of him nagbago lahat.




** Pero syempre, malakas pa rin talaga ang epekto sa'kin pag suplado/masungit ang dating nung guy. Madalas pa rin talaga akong ma-attract sa may salamin and mahilig ako sa long legged! (o^^o)






Sya na talaga ang nagpabago ng qualifications ko sa isang lalaki.




Somehow, thankful ako sa kanya for that. :)

ENTRY 4: MY SORRY

Sorry...

Yan ang gusto kong sabihin sa'yo. For almost two years, should I say one and half year to be exact, na magkakilala tayo I'd never been that nice to you.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang batiin ka ng "Hi" or "Hello" pag nagkakasalubong tayo or kapag ikaw ang bumabati hindi ko man lang nagawang tugunin ang bati mo.

Hindi ko man lang nagawang kausapin ka ng matino sa tuwing kinakausap mo ko, madalas tinatawanan lang kita. Kaya ang dating tuloy dinededma kita.

 

Hindi ko man lang nagawang tawagin ka sa pangalan mo habang ikaw paulit-ulit at walang sawang tinatawag ang pangalan ko.

Pasensya na, alam kong pakiramadam mo ayoko sa'yo... na hindi kita gusto. Pero sa totoo lang, gusto talaga kita hindi lang halata. Yun ang reason kung bakit hindi kita nasasagot pag kinakausap mo ako, nahihiya talaga ako sa'yo. 

Kahit gustong-gusto kong kausapin ka hindi ko magawa, makita pa lang kita umuurong na dila ko paano pa kaya ako makakapagsalita pag nasa harapan na kita?

Kahit hindi ko sinadya, still, it turns out na sinusupladahan at ini-snob kita. Alam kong naiintimidate ka sa'kin at naiinis minsan dahil sa way ng pagtrato ko sa'yo. I treated you in a cold way. So, sorry.

I understand if you don't get the reasons why am I being like that to you. I've been a coward for not telling you how I feel. I am just afraid in rejection (just like you), may be if I spill it from the very start, it will never be difficult for both us, may be we're at least good friends, right?

I admit dumating yung time na, I intentionally avoided you cause I think... and I can feel that I am falling for you and I was scared that time, afraid that the feelings are not mutual that it would be one-sided love. I may be wrong for what I've done but I think its the best way, its better kung hindi mo na nalaman ang lahat.

You never know how hard it was for me but I endure it, the pain, because thats the consequence of my actions. I acted like I don't care though I am, that I am okay though I'm not.

Every time na sinasabi mong I don't like you? It hurts me a lot! It feels like that my heart was stabbed a million times. Every time I see you with other girls, especially her? it may not be obvious but deep inside I was dying.

But, just what I've said as the consequence of the decision I choose... no matter how painful it is I endure, though it hurts me I still managed to smile and act like it was nothing.

I really wanted to say SORRY but  I don't have the chance or should I rather say I missed out another chance?

May be, with the help of this, masasabi ko sa'yo how sorry I am.

Sorry.... my blue.