ENTRY 3: Happy for him?

Yesterday, nakita ko na naman sila actually nakasabay ko pa nga sa pagbaba ng hagdan. Hindi na ko na-shocked kasi I was expecting to see them.




One of my classmates, na kasabay din namin sa pagbaba, called me and said "Hey si anu oh" I am not irritated on what I saw... dun sa classmate ko ako nainis ng konti kasi bakit kailangan pang sabihin yun samantalang nakikita naman nyang he's with his girl, right? Its awkward.




I know may purpose kung bakit nangyayari 'to... kung bakit lagi ko silang nakikita... bakit sa dinami-dami ng makakasabay sa hagdan bakit sila pa. Its God's will.




Actually, wala na akong nararamdaman na bitterness or kahit anung sadness pag nakikita ko sila na magkasama unlike before na sumasakit talaga ang puso ko, yung parang my heart was tearing apart. Now, I am not hurt... there is no pain, I guess? Is that mean that I am slowly moving on? If that so, I am thankful cause I've been waiting for this to happen.




In fact, masaya ako para sa kanya... sa kanila. I am happy not because its the only choice that I have but because its the best thing that I can do.




Alam kong mahirap paniwalaan pero masaya na talaga ako para sa sarili ko at para sa kanila.




I want him to be happy, and I know he will... with her. :)

ENTRY 2: What should I do?

Ottoke? Ottoke? Ottoke?




I really don't know what to do now. My mind is not functioning well... now when I needed it the most.




I was a little bit shocked on what I saw this afternoon. I saw them together... the guy that I liked with that girl.




Mukhang nagkabalikan na ulit sila.




Well yeah! I am expecting that one of this day they will be together again, that they will make up for their broken relationship. Beside its not him who wants the break up, its her. But I never thought that it will happen right away.




Anyway, its not the matter for me, I don't care if they end up being girlfriends and boyfriends again. I am not that affected anymore, I don't know but there is no any hard feelings or bitterness in me when I saw them walking down the stair.




What's matter to me is how can I give the notebook? Can I still give it to him? or Should I say, is it still okay if I give it to him?




I don't want him to suffer from confusion just because of that journal. I don't want to bother him, especially now that he's starting over again with his girl. Do I still have a choice?




I want to hand it to him but at the same time I don't. What should I do?




Should I remain silent about my feelings?




Is my feelings for him are really meant to be a secret?




First, because of my carelessness my mom found out about my confession notebook and she warned me that I shouldn't be the one who's giving this kind of stuff to a guy.
Next, its because of what I've seen  this afternoon. Who knows what will happen next?




Come to think of this, I can say that its already fate that telling me not to spell out the feelings I have for that guy.






I only have few days left to decide, I hope I can choose the right one.






"its now or never..."












--end--

ENTRY 1: Last Thing

I only have one week left. Yeah! One week to say what I need to say, to do what I need to do and to give what I need to give.


Ang bilis ng oras...


Parang kahapon lang, third year college pa lang ako and there I meet him...


Ngayon, ga-graduate na ko. Few weeks from now I am going to stand and walk up on stage again and will receive my diploma, by that time I really need to say goodbye to that guy...


There's a bit of excitement in me but at the same time I feel so sad hindi dahil hindi ko na makikita ang mga classmates and professors ko, yes I am a bit sad kasi we will parted our ways, but the main reason... is him... the guy that I liked for almost two years.




I feel so lost and lonely tuwing naaalala kong, I only had few days left to see his eyes, his messy hair, his fair complexion, and his smile.


It hurts me and it makes me wanna cry every time na naiisip kong I cannot hear him calling my name saying "HI!", telling good things about me, giving me those picked-up lines and showing me his mischievousness at the same time his sweetness.


And now, my tears was starting to flow because of the fact na I may not be able to see him again and hindi ko na mafe-feel ang presence nya... I will definitely miss him, everything about him... Its funny because before, I won't let the day passed by without seeing that guy, even if its only just a glimpsed as long as my eyes lay down on him my day was totally complete! but if I wasn't able to see him even just his shadow or his back I felt so sad and it makes me miss him. I don't like vacations, sem-break and Christmas break because it only makes me to miss him over and over again. How much more now? that I already finish my study... that I am graduating.


You might wonder about him? Actually he is in a lower year, incoming third year same course as mine. Yeah. His younger than me, but I don't care cause he doesn't treat me as I am older than him.




We are not lovers neither in any romantic relationship, we're just friends... i think?




I know how stupid I was, wasting the opportunity and time to be with him. I treat him coldly, I became a snob when it comes to him... well I didn't intend that its just it always end up in that way, I was just afraid of falling too much for him that's why I tried to ignore everything. Beside, no matter how I try I can't really speak up whenever his in front of me. And now... I regret it.




He's not aware about my feelings for him because I don't have the courage to spill it... but is he stupid for not noticing it?

For the remaining days, I want to encourage myself to give the journal I made especially for him. In that journal... I confess my feelings... Everything that I wanted to say to that guy was written there.




I don't know if its much better to make a confession in a form of letter rather than confessing it personally, especially that I am a girl I shouldn't be the one who should make the first move, but I think its the best way since I can't open my mouth each time he's talking to me and I don't care anymore if I am the first one who made the confession. I don't wanna leave him clueless why I treat him that way, why am I avoiding him. I want him to know the reason why, I don't wanna feel any regrets this time... regrets of not telling him what I feel. I don't want to be haunted by "what ifs?"






Hopefully on Friday, mabigay ko na sa kanya yun. I will try my best to hold back and not to drop even a little of tears in front of him. I want to be the normal me while giving him that notebook. I want to show him how happy I was.

I always wanted to hug him or hold his hand even before but I end up declining that thought even though he was the first one who asked me -- like a simple shake hands, kahit sya na mismo ang nag-offer ng shake hands at kahit gusto ko ng hawakan ang kamay nya hindi ko pa rin magawa, why? I don't know... may be I'm swallowing by my pride. *wtf*








I am not expecting anything after giving that notebook... I just want everything to be clear...
So I can finally put my mind at ease cause its tiring to like or let's say love someone secretly...








Wish me luck? Hehe


















--end--